The How to Annoy Dante Guidebook
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: Joint effort between Vergil and myself to give tips on how to annoy Dante.


Don't own DMC, know the twins, blah blah blah.

The How to Annoy Dante Guidebook

_It has occurred to me that I have thought up some really annoying ways to get Dante riled up, and I thought that perhaps you all might appreciate these handy tips, for those occasions when he gets on your nerves. After all, I'm not the only one he hangs around with. Most of these are tried-and-true methods of annoying the younger son of Sparda, and since he's not in the house at the moment I thought that now would be a good time to post them. Vergil is helping me, and his suggestions/methods will have comments from him italicized after them. I can just imagine Dante's reaction when he reads this…Enjoy!_

-Queen

1. Pour all the beer down the drain, and steal his wallet so he can't go out to a bar.

2. Switch his bikini-babe poster with a male beefcake poster, and continually ask him why he can't be as muscular and gorgeous as the poster dude.

3. Spray-paint Ebony and Ivory pink, as bright as you can get it.

4. Put liquid soap in the air conditioning unit so Devil May Cry fills with bubbles.

5. Continuously ask him at random moments if his big, oversized swords are supposed to be compensating for something.

6. Shake up soda cans before giving them to him (_tends to work best immediately after he gets back from a hunt)_

7. Change out all his boxers with women's underwear

8. Grease Rebellion's hilt

9. Enlist two friends – an enormous, muscular dude and a sexy woman – to help you with this one. Have the sexy woman call Dante after office hours and tell him to come over and jump her bones, then when Dante rings the doorbell have the muscular dude answer it while dressed in women's lingerie.

10. Order him pizza, but while he's waiting for it 'seduce' him and tie him to a chair, as securely as possible. When the pizza arrives, sit where he can see you and eat it slowly. Be sure to tease him with a few slices before eating them to drive him _really _crazy.

11. Ball-tag him whenever you see him (_Queen's suggestion, but do we have to explain exactly what Ball-tag is?)_

12. Stare at him for no reason. Then when he asks what you're staring at, say you think he'd look a lot more handsome with spiky hair and a blue coat (_Dante about killed her over that one_)

13. Put superglue in his gloves _(took him three days to get the damn gloves off)_

14. Put superglue in his boxers on nights when he's planning on going to Love Planet

15. Teach Agni and Rudra the most annoying kid's songs you can think of, and tell them that they're Dante's favorite songs and that he'd love it if they'd sing them to him.

16. Convince Nevan to blow raspberries instead of playing musical notes.

17. Dunk Ifrit in gasoline before Dante uses it.

18. Short-circuit Alastor

19. Chase him with an electrical razor, threatening imminent baldness (_This was an extremely ugly incident. I'd recommend it only if you don't mind being bald)_

20. Use make-up on him while he's asleep.

21. Tackle him at random moments and scream in his face

22. Run him a bath before he gets back from a hunt, leave the lights off, and tell him to relax in the tub, that you'll 'take care' of him. Then laugh when he realizes that the tub is filled with his beloved tomato juice.

23. Put a _lot_ of pepper on his pizza (_one of my best pranks!)_

24. Jam something up Ebony and Ivory's barrels so they can't shoot.

25. Threw him against a wall, get really close, and tell him you're going to 'bang' him. Then start hitting him, beginning with the balls

26. Drape his underwear out the window.

27. Catch him in the shower or when he's dressing with a digital camera, and sell the pictures on Ebay.

28. Take all the cds out of the jukebox, leave the labels as they are, and put classical music, kids' songs, and bluegrass in the slots (_I don't think he's forgiven me for this one yet)_

29. Repeat everything he says, then when he tries to trick you into saying something stupid, stare at him and say "He finally admits it!"

30. Run screaming into his room that demons are attacking the place while he's asleep after a drinking binge. Laugh like a loon when he falls out of bed totally confused.

31. Steal his coat and do a really stupid impression of him (_This was payback; he did it to me)_

32. 'Seduce' him, pull him upstairs, duct-tape him to the bed, and leave him there.

33. Make a fire on the coldest day of winter with his porn collection.

34. Draw on his face with magic marker while he's asleep _(the tempera paints were better, but washed off with minimal scrubbing)_

35. On the hottest day of the summer, shrink all of his non-leather clothing in the washing machine.

36. Poke him non-stop and run laughing when he tries to shoot you with his plugged-up Ebony and Ivory

37. Read him fan-fics about him and Vergil making whoopee (_I think he kept Queen busy upstairs for about seven hours after this one. Proving his masculinity, I guess)_

38. Spike his hair with glue while he's asleep.

39. Toss a red orb under his feet while he's walking, so he does a cartoony banana-peel slip (_works best on a thoroughly-waxed floor)_

40. Pinch his butt at random moments

41. Sneak up behind him and pull his pants down while he's talking to Enzo or Vergil. Works best after hiding all his underwear or swapping it all with women's panties (_I still have nightmares about this particular prank)_

42. Wire up one of the demons skulls from his collection with a walkie-talkie and mess with his head by making it talk.

43. Torture him awake with a long feather when he's passed out/exhausted.

44. Flip the mattress on him while he's asleep and sit on it (_Joint effort. Me, Queen, and all the Devil Arms. Don't worry; they were all in weapon form.)_

45. While he's out on a date, tape his naked baby pictures all over his door (_Queen_'s _devious plot, but his reaction was priceless)_

46. Unplug the telephone (_drives him nuts!)_

47. Jam the stereo on a song he despises (_the Barney song works well. You know; that song they play at the end of each episode_)

48. Glue all the balls to the pool table

49. Take pictures of him while he's doing something really dumb, and pass them out at Love Planet and the Bulls' Eye

50. Tell him Nero/ Vergil is hotter than he is because the beard he's got for the next game is so damn hideous.


End file.
